why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize