Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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