I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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