Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
