I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
FUCK WHALES
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
