you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize