The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
