It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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