just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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