I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
