Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
