she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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