last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
