Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
