Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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