He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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