yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
