he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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