i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
