Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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