what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Randomize
