Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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