Yo dont text me then not text me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
