haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
