Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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