my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
