his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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