She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
