Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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