Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
