oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
