She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
