I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
