I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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