Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
