I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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