So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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