you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
