I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
