trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
