Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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