I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
