Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just cropdusted the office
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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