There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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