did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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