Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
