Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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