I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
