farters have to be the big spoon...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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