if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
