I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
