i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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