i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
