gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
