I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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