theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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