I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize