her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
