I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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