He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
