He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
