Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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