Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
