so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
