I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
