Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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