if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
