i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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