so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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