My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
