i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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