just come out here and I will go home with you...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize